I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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