So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
