i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
