I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
