It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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