i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
