I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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