Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
two words: eviction party
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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