I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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