my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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