Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
