I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize