just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I had to cum in my sink.
Dear god my vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
