I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
