How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
it glows. i had to have it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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