hotel room ftw
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
