the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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