I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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