considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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