I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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