so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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