we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
