I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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