there's paper in my vomit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
