My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
