I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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