i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
