genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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