hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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