I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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