She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
