Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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