So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
