I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
