Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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