im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
