I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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