My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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