I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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