Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
