oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
