Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
