my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
