I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
