Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize