Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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