Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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