I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
