Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
