maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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