It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
