his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
