I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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