drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
