we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
3 2 1 whiskey
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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