I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
