Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
