I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize