what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
