So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
