I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
