he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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