I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i drank out of a bidet.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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