i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize