I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
