Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
