He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
