you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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